New identity

When we moved to R.K Puram most people knew my mom as herself, slowly as I started knowing more people than her with more friends in the locality, some people started referring her as 'my mom'. She went to the temple yesterday and for the first time someone came to her and asked if she was 'AG/AL's grandmom'? my mom loved this new identity in the colony even more she happily said yes. It happened to be P's parents tenants from R.K. Puram. Probably the lady saw mom at their place now and then.

Since then mom cant stop bragging about this association and identity her 19 month old grand daughters have given her ;) simple pleasures I tell you :-)

19 months

So the girls are 19 months old and they are into their 20th month. The last 2 months just flew past. AL is being a chatter box as I have mentioned several times before and she repeats everything and says her friends names from school (so does AG actually) :-) Both of them are identifying and inform us when they 'potty' (I know a mini miracle I tell you!)

AG is going through a tantrum phase right now (something AL went through weeks ago) she craves for attention and is being stubborn, she wakes up at nights (teething) and the usual saga :-)

They had their 18 months vaccinations and they are all set until about 4 (annual checkups are needed of course). They did so much better with the doc this time round, smiled at her, played with her stethoscope, and the cow that flashes light and says moo :-)

So doc was asking us on the feeding patterns etc of AG and AL. I inquired if I am supposed to supplement them with Pediasure. And she was against it. I was surprised I told her that these kids like all others have their ups and downs and downs are pretty bad especially since we dont force feed. More cos we realized that when you force feed them they develop an aversion to eating and then they dont ask for food on their own as they are supposed to per normal instincts, cos they are always force fed right on time, atleast that's how we feel it impacts our girls and our Pediatrician explained to us which I feel is true. So coming back to Pediasure, Doc explained its a critical age as now they learn to chew and eat on their own, the moment they dont eat and you give them Pediasure it will take them a step backwards, rely on liquid/pasty diet more, cos its an easy and tasty/SUGARY option. Yep, she totally said they did not need that kinda sugar at this age. Even though they dont have juices, they can still stay away from Pediasure. So hence we have not one through the Pediasure route.

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We had friends come over and stay with us so time just flew this long weekend. Went to Wrentham outlet mall accompanying my friend also. While chatting with SC I realized that everybody does their best as a parent, with the given resources, energy, circumstances. You just cannot say one is being a better mother than another (in an average working household of this generation obviously where in abuse and other extreme things dont come to play lets assume). Saying that the approach also of every parent is different, some go by the book and follow the very 'western' way, some the 'Indian way' if you really want to typecast it and most of us a hybrid, but everyone has their own style. At the same time one has no right to comment on others parenting skills, One could rather rather focus that energy on own parenting skills, cos I am sure other mothers if the really want to could also find what you could improve on  (general observation SC and I made together). But why must one even get into that? If you want to ruin or end you relationship with that person then best way is to comment on others parenting or others kids, no one ever takes those lightly ....

Whether the different feeding patterns or sleep patterns or different bath times, everyone's prioritization and approach differs. One thing I told myself right from start that I will never be feeling guilty as a mother. I will always give in my best to them. Period. I might be tired one day and just make them an omelette and serve with bread, OR I might skip their bath if we all are not up for it, they are too sleepy etc but I will not be guilty of that nor made to feel guilty about it. If I later feel I should not have done something or done something very differently I will take ownership to that and not repeat it again (and of course I confess in my personal blog to them.) Kids come first in my life, but, I dont want to be a martyr and then blow my trumpet how much I sacrificed for them and what they do for me in return will never be enough. Yes we cant repeat some of those awful situations we see and hear. But that's my take.

On that note, everyone asks me how I manage with twins. They are either sympathetic cos they think one kid is itself a lot of work or others slightly pity that they have it so much better with kids spaced out and planned. Thanks, but...... I manage pretty much like everyone else and I dont feel I am doing anything out of the ordinary or that I am just doing very less in comparison to others either, again there cannot be a direct comparison though. Women in their late 20s early 30s will find that its a busy time for us, we are mostly working mothers with young kids, who run a house, most of us cook twice a day, like to take up most of the kids responsibilities or divide with husband however it works in each household, we ALL get through it. Period. We all manage in our own way and cheers to that.

And now this very last week of this year, the clock ticks slowly, as we get into 2012.

A month since...

And so just like that its been a month since mother-in-law passed away. Nothing else matters, we just feel the absence. That sums it all up. I had my melt down and got it out over the weekend, it was sort of building up past 2 weeks with constant thoughts. Just makes you realize for the nth time how short this life is. Also teaches everyone to value the present relationships, but still there are ill feelings towards one another amongst people in general, its really sad I was telling P sometimes even if one person wants to let go and move on some will still cling to it and nurture animosity and ego and to me the value of the other good things done simply fades a few good deeds at a time when the former happens. The below incident triggered me to say that.

My mother mentioned to me how the gentleman who lived with his family opposite our house in R.K.Puram (wife and sons, one of them married with a son, and married daughters regularly visting) passed away. He was highly diabetic and visited ICU couple of times over last two months including when I was in India. So with all the relatives home for the ceremonies, after the rituals there was a huge argument and their Uncle's family (wife and 2 young kids) were deeply hurt, insulted and left weeping cos they couldnt bear the insult and harsh words and actions, apparently it was cos they were not there when they needed him the most and sons were angry with them over some other things as well. Maybe the father would have been ashamed and embarassed with their sons' behavior, one would think. We think fighting over property and material posessions after someone's death is disrespectful then what about this? Core values of love, bonding, empathy, compassion, hospitality eroding. Imagine those two kids how they would have felt with  their parents being insulted in front of everyone when they came to express condolences and also grieving alongside in their own way? I dont think just cos they are grieving/as in-the-heat of the moment act or their not so literate background is any excuse for such disrespectful behavior.


I am deviating a bit but not trying to preach or judge (we all makes mistakes), just noting observations for myself and re-iterating how important this "present" is.

 No matter what, bottom line, we will always miss you Maa.  You will always be part of our present and future although physically absent.

Think twice before you speak

The girls were falling asleep, well one did and one was almost about to. I was chatting with P and ended the sentence with the words "josh main" and to my surprise my darling AL repeated like a parrot after me. AL has been faster in picking up words and language in general, since a newborn we kinda guessed it. She repeats most things she hears in our sentences. So which means now people around them (not just parents) have to watch their language, tone, body language etc. Moreover we cannot undo what we say :-)

Now a days she smacks us all and says - boo - boo and then immediately sowweee (sorry) all in one sentence and one breath, so she thinks she can getaway with it :-) My darling by now I realize that words once said will have their impact all your life, it might fade but will still have an impact how much ever you apologize unfortunately, so pick your words wisely :-)

Sad...

Since I know my Hindi songs so well, and Kishore did a fab job with these lyrics, couldnt help but quote:


ज़िन्दगी  के  सफ़र  में ,गुज़र  जाते  हैं  जो  मक़ाम


वोह  फिर  नहीं  आते ,

वोह  फिर  नहीं  आते

ज़िन्दगी  के  सफ़र  में ,गुज़र  जाते  हैं  जो  मक़ाम

वोह  फिर  नहीं  आते ,

वोह  फिर  नहीं  आते


फूल  खिलते  हैं ,

लोग  मिलते  हैं

फूल  खिलते  हैं ,

लोग  मिलते  हैं  मगर

पतझड़  मैं  जो  फूल

मुरझा  जाते  हैं

वोह  बहारों  के  आने  से  खिलते  नहीं

कुछ  लोग  एक  रोज़  जो  बिचड  जाते  हैं

वोह  हजारों  के  आने  से  मिलते  नहीं

उम्र  भर  चाहे  कोई  पुकारा  करे  उनका  नाम

वोह  फिर  नहीं  आते ,

वोह  फिर  नहीं  आते

.....

Grieving...

Its been over a month and I was putting off writing anything on my blog, just didnt want to get to it. The worst thing did happen. My Mother-in-law passed away due to an End stage Renal failure. So I was in Hyd trying to get done my H1B stamping at the consulate, plus by me being away with the kids, P would get to spend more time with her. Anyway my stamping did happen smoothly and was waiting for my passport so could head back to be with my Mother-in-law. In that time frame P asked me to come to B'lore rightaway and leave the kids in Hyd as Docs did not see any chances of her making through and she was resting as long as her body could pull through on basic support. I got there the day before she passed away at the hospital, the very next day after P informed me. My father-in-law, her sister, and us, direct family members were right there with her as she breathed her last. Acouple of hours before I had met my good friend in Hyderabad at Leela bang opposite Manipal Hospital and went back into the hospital after a coffee with her and in a couple of hours she was gone. After traveling all the way to see her and hoping she recovers but see her leave us for good is one thing, but being there as a family that last moment, that one last moment when she opened her eyes was another. Overwhelmed and blessed to have touched her feet, seek her blessings and forgiveness if I hurt her in anyway (which is probably strange as it may sound was 9/10 cos of my lack of fluency in Telugu).  I am glad she got to see her grand daughters whom she so adored as she so yearned for girls since the time she had her children a  good 3 decades back. I am certainly not happy she is not able to watch them grow along with us. But then I am reminded that I have to count my blessings, she was able to experience the basic familial comforts at her age as she saw her sons settle and watched their families grow. I am glad she enjoyed the Pongal I made for the last time and kept asking for more (she loved the food I cooked right from the start and always acknoweldged that) before I left for Hyderabad.

So after the rituals (during which I know she could see each and everyone of us) we headed back to the US. Girls had some health issues last week in Hyd, stomach upset, fever, some dairy allergy etc plus I had my own viral going on recovered just before we got to the US and its been the usual routine. Girls went to daycare as usual just like we went to work the first week. Caught a minor cold, considering the weather and their age normal to happen and our days are oacked with all such routine acitivities. My father-in-law however is back in B'lore dealing with the loss. He is certainly whom we are concerned about as of now.

Every night I close my eyes to fall asleep and I am unable to rightaway. The whole scenario of how my mother-in-law passed away, the sequence of events plays in front of my eyes, how my father-in-law and my mother-inlaw's sister and I had lunch then got to the ward, how my husband was just about to go for lunch when her pulse dropped etc, just keeps playing in front of my eyes. Yes I have not come to terms with it. I am then flooded by memories, I then go back to the first time she saw me as a bride entering the wedding hall, all dressed in jewels and a pretty wedding saree (both of us loved jewellery and sarees for sure), the look of approval and appreciation and pride, the smile on her face to see me soon as her  daughter-in-law, and tears come to my eyes. Yes unable to deal with it, not ready yet. Then everyday in the morning she comes in my dreams, this past week. Either like nothing ever happened and we are back home in R.K Puram just doing the daily chores or like how she is watching every action of ours as we go about talking and discussing routine family duties. No I have not accepted the fact yet that what happened was the best thing for you, not yet, You were barely shy of turning 61 years by 4 days and you left us. I talk to my mom everyday, and she comforts me. She misses her companionship. She used to stop by at their place as they were within walking distance and she would serve some lovely filter coffee and they would chat on various topics. I still feel she is right there in R. K Puram home and like nothing ever happened. I dont even want to think what P must be going through in his mind, all those childhood memories....

....But again I truly feel blessed and special to be there, those last moments with you. It meant a lot to me. More for my personal diary so the girls can know more about you. Love you and miss you Maa.