Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"The Good Enough Mother"

A refreshing post on Mommyhood - Courtesy HDYDI

You are a good enough mother.
There is a psychological concept actually called “The Good Enough Mother.” This was developed from Donald Winnicott, a British physician later turned psychiatrist whose prime was in the days of psychoanalysis (Think Freud, the lie on the couch and tell me all your dreams guy).
Winnicott wrote that the good enough mother adapts and responds to the child’s needs, thus teaching the child that he/she has some sense of control over their caregiver, which eventually builds comfort and trust of the mother.

He also noted that the interactions between parent and child really do matter, because they teach us how to respond and what to expect of the world around us.

It turns out that if you actually are perfect that you might be modeling irrational and impossible behaviors that could confuse kids into thinking that their imperfections make them not good enough, or even unlovable. Oh, Hello, my old friend shame….

In other words, your failure to perfectly meet and adapt to every single need of your child actually builds a realistic expectations in your child’s mind. His or her acceptance of and adaptation to the reality that the world is a harsh place that isn’t always perfect, convenient or fair is REALLY important to successful adulthood. Put even more simply, some amounts of Mom Failure = Good.

A good enough mother meets her child’s needs but BALANCES her response to the child (in age appropriate ways of course!). She does not run herself ragged trying to perform well enough for love and acceptance from her kids or spouse. She makes mistakes, she apologizes. She has emotions, she works hard. She is real. So when the going gets tough and you wonder if you are good enough. Give yourself a break. You are.

Teaching our kids that we are real and not just apron wearing robots is what is really important because after all, we’re not raising kids, we’re actually raising adults.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Shammi Kapoor

I grew up watching and listening to Shammi Kapoor movies/songs (Thanks to my Dad). I have a lot of fond memories of watching his movies, very energetic and exuberant actor. I know some people thought he 'overacted' and could not appreciate his acting/dancing as much, but everyone's tastes differ. I loved it. His 'joie de vivre' roles were pleasing to watch and contagious that I enjoyed watching. I have easily watched and enjoyed over a dozen movies or so of his as I dont think has done as many movies as some other actors and he mostlyhad hits in the 60's. One of my favorite songs of his is 'Ehsaan tera hoga mujh par.." and 'Chand sa Roshan Chehra.." in the fast paced action songs of his.

Monday, August 15, 2011

The week

And so the girls and my mom and I have been taking the girls to visit the day care past week to settle them in. Annie has been quite upset with this new change while Aadu is a bit ok. She is getting distracted but Annie reminds her of how unacceptable this whole change is :-) I was totally expecting this and yes this has got me exhausted a bit to watch them be 'not-so-comfortable'. But its part of thegame eh? As of now I am hopeful that like all other kids they will get used to it,... soon in the next fortnight or so. I know some parents claim their kids didnt create much scenes and settled in well, but my offsprings arent those indifferent kinds, they are attached and expressive, which I am glad. So we have to see how they will do this week. Its raining and Aadu is running a low grade fever so didnt take them there today. Over the weekend they had too much fun at Wingaersheek Beach and I think they got a bit exhausted playing in the water and sand although they loved it. It was amazing to see them happy not being disciplined and being allowed to play in the water and sand and get messy, priceless :-) The beach was recommended by a friend and is a kid friendly beach, with shallow waters and soft sand. I would definitely recommend this for parents with young kids. Also this was the first time I was taking the kids to a beach and I heard some kids dont do well with sand and water the first few times. I am glad my girls did well. I think they will turn out to be outdoorsy as they love to go out. That totally means I have to have a solid winter acitivity plan for them:-)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Happy Birthday to me :-)

Red roses, a lovely dinner at Margarita's with the most important people in my life, and especially 2 young ladies in the high chairs at our table completely made my day :-)

And so I am out of my lovely 20's and hoping the journey to an even better decade starts. Lots of exciting , and some unhappy incidents, including some miracles even have occurred past decade or so. I will not blow my trumpet to show off my achievements, nor will I dwell on some unhappy ones.

To keep it short and sweet at this point of time, I count my blessings and hope for a less bumpy ride ahead.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Day care search and Reviews: Waltham

Written on 08/04/2011 Posted on 08/08/2011

So I have been reading up and shortlisted 6 day care centers for my girls. I have read about day cares and specially about twins in general at day cares. I wanted to choose something close to home, so either P or I could pick them or drop them up and wouldnt be out of any one's way as such. The following are the shortlisted ones:

1. Waltham Family Day care (Family/Home Day care)
2. Erica's Family Day care - 360 Weston St Waltham (She does not have a website currently) -(Family/Home Day care)

Anyway the 1st and 6th one did not happen. First one I wasnt impressed with the phone call. The lady who seemed to be the one incharge was talking to me over the phone while I was making an appointment and minding the children at the same time talking to them. I was unfortunately not able to make it to the appointment anyway as something else came up. The last one I havent been able to make an appointment. Its a little further down from where we are compared to the Waltham branch.

Erica's Day care: This was the very first day care I entered in my life to (potentially) send my daughters. The lady in charge was sweet and cordial. The set up was in the basement, but their house is in a good spot so the basement is very bright and in fact unlike a basement. I saw about 4 girls sit with her assistant looking vacantly and trying to use scissors to cut. The assistant was cutting very queitly and kids seemed a bit quiet. It was 9:30am so wasnt their nap time or anything. It was right after breakfast. Two infants were sleeping in the crib. One of them started crying amid my conversation with her. She continued I advised her if she wants attent to the child she could, she brought him out, she said, he cried cos he heard her voice he dosent want to nap. He was a cute 7 month old chubby kid. He sat on the bouncer watching us after that. We also met a friend's son there, he was too surprised to see us there. This being my first experience, I was not able to control my tears. I was talking to that lady and tears were flowing down my eyes. I am not sure what it is. The feeling of girls being away from me, away from sheltered home? or the vacant look in the kids eyes, made me sad! Its not really guilty though that's for sure. If I was guilty I woudnt have been there. I would be home with my children. I got into the car, got over my feelings, wiped my tears. I guess since my kids are toddlers and already active and learning stage I did not find this an appropriate place to send my children. Maybe if there were infants and I was going back to office environment when they are 3 months I would have considered it, due to personal attention, less number of kids and hence the sickness. But anyway next in line was Learning zone. In terms of pricing she was ok. Equal to how much I'd pay for a Nanny if kids stayed home. She would provide lunch and snacks but even we could do so. She was charging 600 dollars a week.

Learning zone, Waltham: We entered Learning Zone and the lady at the reception was on the phone, we waited and then she spoke to us and we went in for a tour. Infant rooms, Toddler rooms, Pre-K, etc The environment was very lively and there were lot of kids. Teachers looked engaged, they were all busy either going out to play in their play area or reciting ABCs etc. Kids looked happy, waving saying Hi. Great atmosphere. The best part is they have a camera so parents can watch the kids any point of time during the day based on their schedule of course if they are out playing or next room having lunch etc we cannot. They serve snacks. So we could either provide lunch or buy lunch for 2 dollars from them. They have the usual complete menu like every where else. The only initial concern we had was in case of emergency will number of teachers be able to handle all kids and escape. Its only after being to the other 2 day cares we realized yes they probably can and I should think of such things. Ratio is 2 teachers to 9, which they have to follow leagally and any more in the group they have a third person. Toddlers are now mobile so they are assissted to run down (its on the first floor) and then other teachers would take care of infants I suppose. They are the only occupants on top in that building so that's great, less tresspassing etc. Over all it was a neat place, just couple of hundreds more than Erica's day care in terms of pricing for twins it works out to be $2600 ish. So definitely 4 stars for this one.

Bright Horizons, Waltham: As soon as we entered we realized we were entering the 'private schooling' kinds. Staff was very cordial and warm when they received us, we hadnt booked a tour. The place was pretty neat. We visited their infant, toddler rooms downstairs, and indoor play and pre-K etc on top floor. Quick round of the outdoor play area. It was pretty, neat and well maintained. The kids were not as many (versus the size of the place) so it was not as noisy. Kids seemed to be enjoying though. They apparently maintain a scrap book, click kids pictures every day (the fancy, nice-to-have stuff for extra dollars kinds), over all for full time toddlers they charged $2000 per month per child. So definitely pricey for this age. Four stars for this one too.

Children's workshop, Waltham: We entered a strip mall and one of the entrance was Children's workshop, it shared the entrance with some other salon/spa or something, so it wasnt totally secured in that sense. They have sort of combined stores all into one and divide dinto classrooms, they are pretty small, but are expanding, their play area was pretty good and big. The location was such that it seemed a bit scatterd and unorganized. Staff looked a bit stressed, could be cos it was almost lunch time past 11am. Rooms were smaller than previous ones, so kind of felt conjusted. Again maybe after they expand and construction is complete its a better place. They charged about 400 dollars per toddler per week full time. So its not like its that low. Curriculum for Toddlers this age (15 months -2 years) is not very strict or different either. Above 2 I certainly feel could make a difference.

So the clear winner for us Learning zone. Lets see how this new experience goes. I am only concerned about me missing them terribly and the pain I would have to go through to see them as they gain their immunity and fall 'sick' now and then. But other than that I think they should do ok. I dont know. My girls are social at this stage but they are also not indifferent. I believe some kids go to day care and just adjust and hardly shed any tears. Both my girls are affectionate that way and express it, so I think intially there will be tears. But I also know that is what is best for them. They need more activities at this age and have friends. I hope it goes well. Crossing my fingers. Learning zone did say they cannot put the kids in the same room initially but later they said they could accomodate them. I have been going through this same class or different debate in my mind. At this stage I believe I would like them to be in the same class. The girls do bond quite a bit, they dont express it that's all. It will be a lot of changes at once if we seperate them now.

Overall I was keen to send the girls to an established day care which has reviews and references. I would be apprehensive to send them to a place which has kids not so active like at Family day care I visited, where its unorganized, or they are too new (inexperience and no credentials) or expanding like Workshop or where the teachers or not young and dynamic. A place which has energy :-) The rest of the skills learnt are individual and depends on parents too :-) 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Daily Musings

One very good thing about FB is that it reminds you about everyone's birthdays. So if you are able to log in every other day, you get to wish most of your friends, aquaintances, family, et al. Other sad thing is that it makes people who could just call and wish you lazy as they choose to wish you on FB instead. I have made it a point that as much as possible if I have someone's personal phone number with me, I will make it a point to call and wish them. Even if its brief, it is personal.

So I speak, with my own birthday being a week away from today :-) ;)

Oh and BTW I watched Khatta Meetha (Akshay Kumar, Trisha starrer) was pretty lousy, didnt do any justice to a serious issue nor was it a successful comedy attempt. Still due to watch all the big ones, DB Singham etc

Addie and Annie (and I must say the Mommy cos I feel their pain deep inside and it hurts) managed to fall from the couch on the floor. Addie's was worse, but both did ok. Phew! Yes my heart almost stopped twice past weekend. And while I thought I could wait till the terrible twos to start, at 14 months my girls attempt to do what they are not 'supposed/allowed' to and immediately look at me and wave their index finger and say 'NO NO NO'. They also seem to be minding one another at times. And I know what's coming next, 'minding Mommy's business' times ahead. :-) Girls I tell you ;)