Not a single day goes by..

..without me thinking of you Ajji...not a single day! You are being missed... and a lot!

LOST!

That is what I have been feeling since over a week – just lost; when you lose a family member who is the backbone of the family for years and has an aura around her. A lady I was so proud of and derived my strength and heritage from, and someone who possessed so much radiance and warmth that it was beyond comparison. How am I to overcome such loss? Helpless is what I feel as my Ajji was found with a stroke and she was laid to rest few days back. A lot of emotions and memories, lots to talk about, I am unable to even pen down this loss right now. Absolutely not come to terms with it and at this point not even sure if I ever will. All I want ..............is this little lady with salt/pepper hair lying down with me on the sheet spread over the cool floor, on a hot summer afternoon, smelling of amrutanjan, fighting her sleep, narrating Ramayana and I would stop her at the part when payasam was being served to King Dashratha before the sons were born and I would get distracted and ask her to make some for me and that she would, a small portion just enough for me which I would lap like a puppy and then lie down again for her to continue the story until I napped.

Pondering...

It’s been 3 years since my maternal Grandfather has passed away.  It’s one of those things I can’t express but just feeling the void. Memories of my childhood just come flooding, him teaching me shlokas, and poems and songs. My Grandfather was very kid friendly like my mother, loved children especially baby girls and played and sang to me so nicely. It feels so distant and so far away now, like another life.

Its Janmashatami tomorrow and it gets even worse.  Every single Janmashtami we have fasted in the evening and had large scale poojas in Kothi since I know and have memory and all of us sat together on the floor for simple and umpteen varieties of dishes. The Arghya recital and offering which is an important ceremony for Madhwas for Janmashtami my Grandfather used to perform.

All those days will never come back and so will this very present which will get buried in the past. And still people find enough time to hurt, insult, and gossip and what not to fellow beings.

This birthday I was thinking of how I have come full circle. I am back to being my old self in so many ways and being the REAL me; there are so many things I have to be grateful and thankful for. For all those lovely people and experiences in my life to the unpleasant ones who have taught me the hard way to value my ‘real’ relationships even more. My 2 girls who constantly help me become a better person. From the food I eat, to the things I say and I wished I had said – “its ok Amma, it happens” they tell me in the cutest of voices. I see divinity everyday in my house since these 2 angels entered my life! I am so glad I have daughters I feel truly blessed.

:-)

Had a pretty good weekend. Met my best friend SJ after like 7 1/2 years, last I met her was at our wedding. So many things have happened in our lives since then. She couldnt bring her 6 month old baby boy with her but she came to see me just for a day. She left the sonny boy at NY at her sister's for the first time as she is concluding her 3 month journey and heading back to Australia. It was truly awesome to see her and spend time with her and the girls grew fond of her quite easily. This all one needs true and sincere friends around you. It was like it hasnt been 7 1/2 years at all....we've been good friends since like 1994 or so...wow! seems so long now..

da! da! daycare!

A huge roller coaster fortnight it's been:

1.       Busy social life – umpteen birthday parties to pick from and we drove to PA to be at a friend’s daughter’s 3^rd birthday and it was too much fun. They went full out with DJ and bartender etc and AG went beserk dancing nonstop for 3 hours I am NOT kidding – 3 hours nonstop even I couldn’t cope up with her. Well the downside is of such short outing – no guesses food department – girls were on liquid diet for the weekend we were there for 2 days.

2.       So we had introductory sessions in daycare and kids did well, they were so distracted with the toys though they didn’t notice anyone else around – friends or teachers– sessions were just 1-2 hours, mom and I sat with them in the class and let them explore. So far no issues love the daycare, the teachers, the people, the facilities, the curriculum, the menu…

3.       Right after the party weekend we were to start their daycare, AL had a mild cold and I was not upto it so extended their start day to 1/28, yep go with the flow. So the week was spent at home by the girls and what a freezing week it’s been, amazingly low temperatures. I had to shop a little bit for their clothes wasn’t as successful as it was just too cold. Managed some necessities and most importantly got them snow pants which are mostly out of stock by this time of the year.

4.       So daycare began yesterday and they are doing OK. Very poor in the food department and my heart aches as a mother that we have to let go of our babies for them to grow up and learn and unlearn some things. But I know it’s for the best. They are happy with new class, kids toys, activities etc They just had one episode of crying when they got separated for an activity where in AL was taken outside to play AG wasn’t as she was to go in a different group.  But I let them know its too early to separate them and they need each other until they completely get into a routine and get into schedule.

Today is Day 2 and Dad dropped them off and I am to pick them up. I spoke to their teacher once and they are fine playing, not eating but playing! Crossing my fingers and toes they eat something.  Yep! All I want is them to eat and drink some milk on their own.  Next month or so more social gatherings, more visitors and lots more things to do for the house. Some of them are exciting things like kids beds will arrive this week and other boring stuff to deal with like dishwasher review we are under going right now. More gyan on appliances later, cant get kids out of my mind for now…

My blog and the trip

I have a blog like everyone else to express my thoughts, my opinions, my experiences and just rant. In general its a tough task to write in public as its open for misinterpretations. You dont know the tone and mood of the person writing it and it sometimes opens up can of worms especially when you have certain image already of the person in your head. This happens to everyone. I somehow do not like to write as much about the happy moments and close family and close friends as I am too scared I can get jinxed and fear of attracting negativity. That's just me. I kinda use the blog to vent and think out loud mostly. Probably that's why I dont generally publish my blog anywhere, if someone stumbles upon it well and good.

For example I realized that if someone read my blog its so easy to misinterpret like I don't understand or follow some Hindu traditions and customs. On the contrary it will be surprising to that I am more traditional than my own mother and husband. Yes there I say it out aloud ;) :-) What I jot down in my blog is some conflicts I experience in how people present certain customs and rituals to you and then they judge you on various grounds. To me I rather perform some ceremonies thoroughly whatever I can than incomplete and not have to worry about what people will think about you all the time. I can write a lot about it but the latter I strongly feel for, but I rest my case here. Not that its needs any explaining but as an example that's why we didn't even venture out for my Grandfather's and Mother in law's monthly ceremonies here in Boston area for lack of good infrastructure, reliable priest and inability to conduct the complete rituals start to finish. My Gfather's second anniversary one was a compromise but my Dad did it nevertheless that was his call.

With that its a reminder that in a month we have a trip to make back home for the annual ceremony as that is all we prioritized. Does time fly way too fast when you are in US than India? I always feel weekdays go by faster here ;) I am so nervous about this 3 day trip I am making sounds so not practical yet its all I can do! I just want to be there for every reason to be part of the rituals and bid P's mother adieu. I was talking to someone who was in same position as me and missed her Father in law's first annual ceremony she felt even bad when she heard I could go for 3 days, as she couldn't get vacation for a week. I asked her not to feel bad we all do our best and try and plan certain things happen for some it works out for others it dosent sometimes things dont go our way as much as we would like it to.

Another incident...

There was another death in my father's extended family. Very shocking. And yet another incident involving "he should have received treatement at the right time". Yes Uncle was in an emergency and there were no Doctors available for 24 hours as it was Navratri festival. Unfortunately it happened while they were on a holiday in the North East in India. And transportation was very tough, took 3 days to bring him back after he passed away, they still got Uncle back to home town for the last rites as thats where they are based out of.

As we were talking to my Dad's aunt and expressing condolences she was probably the strongest and brave spouse we have seen. Although a sudden death and she agreed she is still in shock. She says one of us had ot go. What were the chances that we would depart at the same time? Plus she said hindsight we will always feel so many things could have been done differently. We should not have gone on a vacation. What are the chances we wouldnt get a doctor to diagnose and provide treatment in time?? etc etc We have to accept and move on.  

I really admire her strength which I have seen in all women on my Ajji's side. Very strong, practical and vocal. Traditional yet practical is a great blend. I hope it rubs of to my girls.

Ear piercings - Check!

Girls got their ears pierced yesterday - yay! Everyone, including me kept saying should have been done way back when they were little and they would just cry a little and be done with it. Mine was done at some 11/13 days apparently and traditional way with the ear piercing man came home and just poked it in. Of course I would have got it done sooner when they were few months, but P wasnt convinced. First few months we had travel and we didnt want to do anything new should they not take it well. Time passed and P kept insisting they would then pull each others ears or mess with it etc as they were very active infants. Let's get it done when they ask for it was the final discussion point. Finally on garba day when I put these big earrings - AG asked the magic question - "I want earrings too Amma" - Of course darling and I was so happy - I love jewellery and chances are I know at least one of them will, if not both!

Wednesday being Vijay dashami etc was as a good day I thought, didnt want to get into further calendar details. Claire's in Burlington mall is a walk-in ear piercing and accessories store. The lady suggested that they are young and maybe I should come back next day when they are staffed with 2 experienced ear piercing people who simultaneously pierce both ears at the same time so it helps when kids are wiggly and uncomfortable. Its a better way but I was bummed as I was all set to get done same day and so was my mom. I took a chance we all got ours one ear after another big deal. AG was the first one to go. After 10 signatures she took from me, checked my id etc. I chose basic gold plain studs, nothing fancy and Voila! she did the markings and was done before I knew it. AG resisted a little bit for second ear, I was holding her in my lap in a high chair while mom in the front was distracting her. No cry no fuss all done. Yay!

AL I wasnt sure would go so smoothly she can be quite fussy and she senses things too soon and is cautious by nature, although she was standing out side with my dad when AG was getting it done and had no clue of the details. I thought I will go next day when both ladies are available for her. I asked her and she said she wanted earrings too one last time and the lollipop lady gave AG after she was done was more attractive to her. Again more signatures and I was sitting with AL. She saw lady use sanitizer and gloves and got the whole "doctor" feeling and her expressions changed kinda sceptical, she went through with cleaning, markings and first ear and she cried a little bit and resisted. But quickly got done with second one too and got a lollipop and an immediate trip to Rainforest cafe and they were fine. Some initial redness in ears but subsided.

So for next 2 months have to use the cleanser they gave to prevent infection and when we change earrings few months down the line ensure earrings always there for next 1 year or chances of it closing back again. I think they look really cute, or cuter with the earrings. :-) The whole thing costed $95 for both including that medicated cleanser. On hind sight should have avoided the cleanser and gone with traditional haldi and saved few bucks. Oh well but the haldi mess another issue. Expensive according to me but job well done since there were almost no tears- and that matters. I got some extra ear piercing done in college days and through similar method (gun or whatever they call it). Its almost pain free. That really helped to the traditional piercing method I guess in general. So 2 years 4 months is not a bad age after all to get ear piercing done but of course the girls were really good :-)

This and That...

Its been 2 years since my Grandfather passed away. The first and last time he saw the girls who were just 4 months old and AL even lovingly scratched his hand. Everything seems so staged now if I think about it sometimes, like it was meant to be. Me flying down with girls sooner than planned. Meeting him sooner than planned once I landed and things that followed. I am probably lucky to have grandparents presence and influence for so long in my life which I know many dont have.

So my Dad performed the yearly ceremony on Monday in a very simple manner at the temple. It was peaceful and calm at the temple, as it was a Monday morning (although Durgashtami). No distractions whatsoever. I am big on all religious ceremonies being a private thing and hate publicity stunts. Mainly cos focus on the spiritual aspect is often lost and emotions and outwardly/worldly presentations take over and it makes it seem like a formality which it shouldnt be. Of course, values, good faith and respect is more important than ceremonies itself not just to the departed but to the people around you. I guess I have this fear from couple of my past experiences that gatherings may simply become a sham, where 1 person whether a priest or organizer just uses his/her position to take undue advantage of others feelings/respect and faith. Its my opinion anyway.

Yesterday finally ate at Sichuan Gourmet for lunch. Since I got to Boston area people have recommended it as the best restaurant and so close to Indo-Chinese etc. And rightly I loved it. Had this spicy tofu curry with white rice and loved it, love it, loved it! And such generous portions that I had to pack the rest and 3 of us ate it again for dinner ;) Mom especially loves tofu. Its not as close to Indo-Chinese to me but very tasty. I never was a big fan of spicy food in general, I still dont cook spicy food or enjoy spicy food when its home cooked. Past few months though my spice tolerance and craving for spicy food has increased but it limited to only when I eat out. One of those changes I guess to taste buds.

Peeked a little into NDTV last night and most of Yash Chopra movie songs were being played. Loved it! Right from his earlier movies to the latest ones. We were humming and then there was this little hum that joined us AG smiling and doing her own thing of tearing-up the thermocol ball and humming with us :-) cute or what?

Thanks to everyone at home, making an early start in the mornings for work. Although I am not a morning person, cant say I hate it. Its lovely driving on calm roads and admiring the surrounding and falling in love with the city you love/work/hang out in :-)

Thatha's off to India

So Father-In-Law left yesterday, took the flight back to India. 

We all had our own small crazy routine from non-stop coffee drinking over the weekends, to watching some meaningless movies, and various activities and he will be missed. Luckily with my parents around its not a sudden vacuum for all of us since he left yesterday.

Unfortunately we couldn't find better rental place to move into, hopefully in next two months we can get a good place in some good apartment community or this same one. So it's been very nomadic for us since March this year. Expecting things to work out, we were all set to move hence not attended to any any changes our current home needed, including major carpet change which the leasing office should have done etc,

As FIL mentioned about my MIL's anniversary schedule in December makes us realize how fast time is flying. As of now looks like only P can make to India unfortunately. So I am bummed that I may not make it and we dont see a practical option either as we decided not to take the kids to India this time.

Just plain good and giving

I am thankful and grateful for surrounding myself with goodness and generosity and its all from the one main person in my life, my husband P.

The one quality that beats everyone and everything - he is just plain good and has a heart of gold.

In terms of generosity and his giving nature too he is alongside my paternal grand mother and my mother - the 3 people I have seen in my life who can selflessly just give and take a lot of pleasure and seek happiness by their kind deeds. Its overwhelming at times and yet I feel blessed.

There are no other adjectives or superfluous words that can describe a person being good and generous.

I hope the girls inherit the goodness of character and the giving nature. He is an excellent role model on that front.

Had a pretty good weekend. Shopped a little after a very long time at Walmart. Since FIL is leaving next week there were a couple small things to pick up plus been wanting to go to the temple for a while.

Sunday was a very pleasant day as we headed to Harvard Sq. Harvard Sq never fails to disappoint you. Lively and always a lot of activity. Our lunch at Tanjore also was pretty good and we all relished the lunch buffet there. We must really try to go there more often and just walk around. We spotted a Curious George store there and AG and AL went crazy and started hoarding stuff, their final loot were bunch of small sized figurines of animals, mostly bears and I got them a couple of penguins and elephants since they have been going crazy with Pingu series and listening to stories on the bear from my mother.

The girls had their rowdy moments when we were walking around. My heart almost stopped when AG ran and we couldnt catch up with her almost on to the main road. That split second you just get so worried, Phew! Both of them got it from me. AL listened and mellowed down not AG she had that "I dont care" and "Oh I am so cute" look! Phew! At the restaurant they did ok didnt eat a morsel, AG nibbled a bit and AL took pleasure in feeding her Dad peas.

Otherwise days have been so full at work, the past 2 weeks flew even more fast than usual. So much that we can see Fall slowly setting in. P even thinks he has his allergies bothering him since yesterday. So we see summer slowly receding.

Past week...

So its been a good-busy week/fortnight. Lot of activity on the work front. It was good to meet my Uncle's family and cousins and kids meeting them. Got a chance to meet another relative's family too who are local to Boston. Attended a birthday party, and finally over the weekend both girls are down with fever :-(

Didnt do anything for our 7th anniversary as the folks were flying out to CA that day and then AL was already down and I knew AG will follow soon. Hence we were home even the following day for my dad's birthday. So we had a quiet one over all.

One of the best things I can thank P after 7 years of marriage and knowing him for so much more longer is the ability to appreciate and live in the present. Being content with what we have today and enjoying this "today" . Cos I see people constantly living in the past or worried about the future or worried that we are not worried like them about the future ;) and be frantically scurrying for the future. Relax, take a step back, smell the flowers and take a deep breath. You need to plan for your future but not obsess with it and give up your present.

This and that...

Not sure why it took me this long for the next post. But its just been a good summer with the parents ofcourse.

Firstly AL recovered, feels much better - Thank Goodness. The girls want to be home with the Gparents all the time and not goto daycare. Very happy for that. But downside is the drop offs are that much harder now. But they still do go most days and stay home a couple of days a week. Its been a pretty warm summer, no complaints. Beach - check. Blue Berry Farms - check. My in-law's family friends home visit - check. Stroll in downtown this weeked - check. Lazed at home doing nothing but watching the Olymics Saturday- check. So a good mix of activities.

Downtown stroll particularly was pretty good and relaxing on Sunday. Weather was awesome. We took a nice long stroll after lunch. I am glad we skipped the Children's Museum - the indoor play areas are good for winters, why get stuck indoors again. Although its a very good place for kids. The girls enjoyed the stroll and AG and AL both walked a lot with us looking around and having fun munching on a few gold fish :-) Simple pleasures I tell ya...!

Friday was Varalakshmi vratham. Its my 8th vratham, wow time flies. This is something practised at my husband's side and I picked it up after marriage from my MIL. Couldnt help but think of her and say a silent prayer for her enthusiasm in various poojas. My first one after marriage was guided by her, since it was the very next next day after our Wedding day in August. The next one being in 2007 when she was in US. In 2011 the girls wore those mini saris and she totally loved it and had so many comments and thoughts to share on the girls. She always appreciated that at the time of poojas and traditional ceremonies I always ensure to appear completely dress appropriately in sari etc. She complimented me that it was beautiful to see 3 of us ladies in sarees which even people in India dont wear any more to perform a pooja even once a year. The wedding year and 2007 we celebrated many festivals together and after that the very last and major pooja she participated which I am glad to be present for was Kailasha Gauri Vratham. Which was quite the coincidenece as we were to leave India to go back to the US and our flights got postponed due to snow storms as if to just attend the pooja. Some things are just meant to be. I was there through out with her in Dec 2010 roughly a year before she passed away. And was the scariest part to watch her not complain but know she is not ok physically but just getting through it with just her will power. Just her will power.

So this year we had a simple one with AL and AG all curious with all pooja items and AG wanted to dress in a sari like me. AL refused to and she was happy splashing and sprinkling stuff around. This is the third consecutiive with my mother around so that's great!

July 27th was my birthday per the Hindu calendar so with the pooja etc didnt do much but good to have the whole family around. The girls are 2 years and 2 months :)

Parents

Our parents are here finally. After a huge family loss being together for us means a lot. There is a lot of vacuum especially for my Father-in-law. That's why I am glad my parents are home as well so he can get some alone time or not get any alone time based on how he wants it to be. The girls immediately opened up to the Grandparents and bonded, something amazing for me to watch. Even AG who takes time to warm up to people generally just knows they are the grandparents and they are basking in all the love and attention they are showering on them. They get worried even when one of the grand parent is missing (either in the restroom or they have gone for a walk), they expect everyone to be sitting in the living room and visible to them always...there are a lot of such wonderful moments so hard to pen down all of them though.

After a long time P confessed that his birthday couple of weeks back was the toughest for him to get through and really missed his mother. He did mention there should be no cake etc For the sake of girls and especially AG who has a sweet tooth, I got him like this really small pastry. But makes me feel really sad. The girls keep talking about Chinni Bamma, my MIL's sister and makes it sad as they dont know their Bamma anymore, other than in pictures.

I guess we all have our own ways to come to terms with such a huge loss, we all will at some point of time accept she is "really" no longer here with us.

Dreams...

Maa still keeps coming in my dreams, it stopped briefly and started again. Heart is not willing to accept I guess? But the difference is this last dream amongst all of the previous ones was about her coming back after she is gone, all of them so far was like she never left and was there back home. Sad.

 

Its two months already and we miss you!

Sankranthi weekend 2012

Another weekend out of town in Stamford CT. Spent the festival time with friends and celebrated a couple of kiddos birthdays in the group. Its freezing outside. Girls did fine but had a bad cold. Did their bhogi pallu program also with the other kids. AG hogged onto the arselu and marshmellows like she would never ever get it, she has a sweet tooth and she does not hide it. AL survived ONLY on milk and learnt to talk in sentences.....almost! ;)

It was 10 F when driving back last night. Its been 6 years since I moved to the US and even though no big complaints I did have some discomfort with the cold spells on and off. This time has been the worst in terms of my health front. Having stuff nose continously since a fortnight on and off actually since we got back from India and I generally dont get it this often (maybe its due to the kids and their daycare germs) but still there is strangely some sort of silence and yet some peace I can feel around in this cold this time around since a couple of weeks.

Have I finally come to terms with Mother-in-law not being in R.KPuram ever again? At any given chance we are going out of town and heavily socializing in fact as we do not want to stop and think what actually happened in India and to us. I think somewhere silently P and I think this will just pass - just pass? so the answer is - Not really, but I guess this cold is somehow giving me some silent moments to reflect and trying to make sense of some things absolutely not in our control perhaps?

I, me, myself

No offence to anyone or anything, this is just a re-realization about me :-) ;)

After a considerable amount of travels, meet/greets, experiences I have realized that I am a good cook and a good hostess. All my family values have really worked well on this 'athithi devo bhavah' front I must say, special Thanks to my mother, my Ajji and my chickamma on that front.

New identity

When we moved to R.K Puram most people knew my mom as herself, slowly as I started knowing more people than her with more friends in the locality, some people started referring her as 'my mom'. She went to the temple yesterday and for the first time someone came to her and asked if she was 'AG/AL's grandmom'? my mom loved this new identity in the colony even more she happily said yes. It happened to be P's parents tenants from R.K. Puram. Probably the lady saw mom at their place now and then.

Since then mom cant stop bragging about this association and identity her 19 month old grand daughters have given her ;) simple pleasures I tell you :-)

A month since...

And so just like that its been a month since mother-in-law passed away. Nothing else matters, we just feel the absence. That sums it all up. I had my melt down and got it out over the weekend, it was sort of building up past 2 weeks with constant thoughts. Just makes you realize for the nth time how short this life is. Also teaches everyone to value the present relationships, but still there are ill feelings towards one another amongst people in general, its really sad I was telling P sometimes even if one person wants to let go and move on some will still cling to it and nurture animosity and ego and to me the value of the other good things done simply fades a few good deeds at a time when the former happens. The below incident triggered me to say that.

My mother mentioned to me how the gentleman who lived with his family opposite our house in R.K.Puram (wife and sons, one of them married with a son, and married daughters regularly visting) passed away. He was highly diabetic and visited ICU couple of times over last two months including when I was in India. So with all the relatives home for the ceremonies, after the rituals there was a huge argument and their Uncle's family (wife and 2 young kids) were deeply hurt, insulted and left weeping cos they couldnt bear the insult and harsh words and actions, apparently it was cos they were not there when they needed him the most and sons were angry with them over some other things as well. Maybe the father would have been ashamed and embarassed with their sons' behavior, one would think. We think fighting over property and material posessions after someone's death is disrespectful then what about this? Core values of love, bonding, empathy, compassion, hospitality eroding. Imagine those two kids how they would have felt with  their parents being insulted in front of everyone when they came to express condolences and also grieving alongside in their own way? I dont think just cos they are grieving/as in-the-heat of the moment act or their not so literate background is any excuse for such disrespectful behavior.


I am deviating a bit but not trying to preach or judge (we all makes mistakes), just noting observations for myself and re-iterating how important this "present" is.

 No matter what, bottom line, we will always miss you Maa.  You will always be part of our present and future although physically absent.