Grieving...

Its been over a month and I was putting off writing anything on my blog, just didnt want to get to it. The worst thing did happen. My Mother-in-law passed away due to an End stage Renal failure. So I was in Hyd trying to get done my H1B stamping at the consulate, plus by me being away with the kids, P would get to spend more time with her. Anyway my stamping did happen smoothly and was waiting for my passport so could head back to be with my Mother-in-law. In that time frame P asked me to come to B'lore rightaway and leave the kids in Hyd as Docs did not see any chances of her making through and she was resting as long as her body could pull through on basic support. I got there the day before she passed away at the hospital, the very next day after P informed me. My father-in-law, her sister, and us, direct family members were right there with her as she breathed her last. Acouple of hours before I had met my good friend in Hyderabad at Leela bang opposite Manipal Hospital and went back into the hospital after a coffee with her and in a couple of hours she was gone. After traveling all the way to see her and hoping she recovers but see her leave us for good is one thing, but being there as a family that last moment, that one last moment when she opened her eyes was another. Overwhelmed and blessed to have touched her feet, seek her blessings and forgiveness if I hurt her in anyway (which is probably strange as it may sound was 9/10 cos of my lack of fluency in Telugu).  I am glad she got to see her grand daughters whom she so adored as she so yearned for girls since the time she had her children a  good 3 decades back. I am certainly not happy she is not able to watch them grow along with us. But then I am reminded that I have to count my blessings, she was able to experience the basic familial comforts at her age as she saw her sons settle and watched their families grow. I am glad she enjoyed the Pongal I made for the last time and kept asking for more (she loved the food I cooked right from the start and always acknoweldged that) before I left for Hyderabad.

So after the rituals (during which I know she could see each and everyone of us) we headed back to the US. Girls had some health issues last week in Hyd, stomach upset, fever, some dairy allergy etc plus I had my own viral going on recovered just before we got to the US and its been the usual routine. Girls went to daycare as usual just like we went to work the first week. Caught a minor cold, considering the weather and their age normal to happen and our days are oacked with all such routine acitivities. My father-in-law however is back in B'lore dealing with the loss. He is certainly whom we are concerned about as of now.

Every night I close my eyes to fall asleep and I am unable to rightaway. The whole scenario of how my mother-in-law passed away, the sequence of events plays in front of my eyes, how my father-in-law and my mother-inlaw's sister and I had lunch then got to the ward, how my husband was just about to go for lunch when her pulse dropped etc, just keeps playing in front of my eyes. Yes I have not come to terms with it. I am then flooded by memories, I then go back to the first time she saw me as a bride entering the wedding hall, all dressed in jewels and a pretty wedding saree (both of us loved jewellery and sarees for sure), the look of approval and appreciation and pride, the smile on her face to see me soon as her  daughter-in-law, and tears come to my eyes. Yes unable to deal with it, not ready yet. Then everyday in the morning she comes in my dreams, this past week. Either like nothing ever happened and we are back home in R.K Puram just doing the daily chores or like how she is watching every action of ours as we go about talking and discussing routine family duties. No I have not accepted the fact yet that what happened was the best thing for you, not yet, You were barely shy of turning 61 years by 4 days and you left us. I talk to my mom everyday, and she comforts me. She misses her companionship. She used to stop by at their place as they were within walking distance and she would serve some lovely filter coffee and they would chat on various topics. I still feel she is right there in R. K Puram home and like nothing ever happened. I dont even want to think what P must be going through in his mind, all those childhood memories....

....But again I truly feel blessed and special to be there, those last moments with you. It meant a lot to me. More for my personal diary so the girls can know more about you. Love you and miss you Maa.